Thanks to a combination of pride, optimism, and naivete, I did not expect breastfeeding to be this tough. Yes, I'd heard it could be hard, but certainly that wouldn't be the case for me. In fact, it wasn't really an option for me, as I'd already determined that formula was not an option - so clearly I would find nursing a breeze. Ha.
For the sake of keeping things real on here: the baby is three and a half weeks old now and breastfeeding still sucks. I keep waiting for the oxytocin to kick in and the pain to leave and to discover I just love this... but it definitely hasn't happened. It seems like each time things start to get better, something happens to make them worse again (green poop! mastitis! no poop! oversupply!). I've had a lactation consultant come out twice to help. My poor husband wants to help but I still refuse to allow a bottle to pass the baby's lips, out of fear that then we'll really never get latching right.
I realized that part of the reason this is so distressing (besides the pain itself) is the thought that I'm not good at this. I really don't like being bad at things, and it usually doesn't happen too often. If I am bad at something, I generally realize it and vow to never do it again. (Very mature, I know.) The thing is, that won't work when it comes to feeding my child. I can't really swear that off. So I have to hang my pride on a shelf and persevere at something I feel like a failure at.
On a somewhat-related note... Sometimes I have a hard time understanding how people can make different choices than I do. You know the feeling? Like you've done so much research and spent so much time making a decision that you're shocked that anyone could choose to do something differently. However, I am starting to understand how women can very easily choose to do things differently. During labor, I could understand how women would jump at an epidural. When nursing makes me double over with legs thrashing, I can understand how women would give up on breastfeeding.
I'm trying to thank God for teaching me these lessons as I go. In all honesty, I remember to do so about 20% of the time. But it really is good for me to have my pride chucked out the window.
And after a year of praying for humility, it has finally arrived. In an irresistible package.
Post-script: I wrote this rather disjointed post yesterday between bouts of nursing and sobbing. What a difference a day makes! I feel so much better today, and have even been able to approach feeding with joy over 50% of the time! (Half the time it isn't too bad, as one breast has almost completely healed. The other one still hurts like the dickens when she first latches.) I toyed with the idea of deleting this post, but thought I might as well put it up if for no other reason than so I can eventually look back and realize that it will get better after all this. At least, I still have faith that it will!
That is rough! I'm reading knowing this will be me in a few months.
ReplyDeleteI have no suggestions really other than have you thought of trying to attend a La Leche meeting? That way you could get some more support if you don't have it already.
First of all,
ReplyDelete*HUGS!!*
Secondly,
Welcome to motherhood- it's HARD!
Sounds like you're already a pro, sacrificing for the babe!
Nursing hurt for a good month for me at first. All I can say is lots and lots and lots of lanolin! The "bonding" didn't really kick in for me 'til about 6 months, when the colic had passed.
But good for you for sticking with it! The benefits and bonding are amazing, you will see. I miss nursing so much, dispute all the pain and dietary changes.
*hugs*
definitely second the LLL recommendation - the support, encouragement AND pointers are worth their weight in gold.
ReplyDeletealso? what a little movitator!! she is ADORABLE! :)
Well, I can't really relate, since T still isn't allowed to eat by mouth. But I do know that pumping was horrible for awhile, and now (other than the fact that it's a pain in the butt to leave my baby's bedside to go pump), it doesn't really bother me at all. I can't really remember exactly when it started getting easier, but a monthish sounds right.
ReplyDeleteI know that I always vowed that formula would never pass my baby's lips. (And I suppose it might never technically pass his lips, if it just goes straight into his intestines.) But now, three months into exclusively pumping, I find myself questioning that every single day--would it really be that bad to give him formula? If my math is right, I probably have at least 6ish months of milk stored up. Once he's home, I doubt I'll continue pumping, because it seems awfully silly to neglect him in order to pump milk for him to use 6 months down the road...(Plus, I've now filled three different freezers with milk in addition to what's at the hospital, and after awhile there's just no more storage space!)
Funny, though, how you can research the heck out of stuff and decide exactly how you want it all to go, and then it goes out the window!
I love that picture, by the way! And thanks for the Christmas card!
Oh, and the other thing I learned when T's sole nutrition for two and a half months was TPN, which isn't even nearly as good as formula, was that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. And it's no use lamenting all the lovely intentions you had before reality hit!
ReplyDeleteOh, Elizabeth, I'm so sorry it isn't going as magically as you'd hoped :(
ReplyDeleteBut you are right -- it WILL get better, easier, happier. It will! 3 and a half weeks is still WELL within the 'hurts like CRUD' phase, in my book, and probably through 6 or 8 weeks can even be uncomfortable. She'll get better at it soon, and so will you.
Wait -- scratch that: you're not doing badly. You're not BAD at nursing! It's like this for everyone, I think! There's a built in, inavoidable learning curve with all things motherhood. You're good, Elizabeth :)
I had very humbling moments early on with my first as well. Nursing was very painful and I literally walked around my apartment completely shirtless and leaking for weeks so they would dry and heal faster. It was not fun, but I'm so glad you're sticking it out!
ReplyDeleteMy main dose of humility came with the sleeping thing. I was going to sleep train my child, would do everything right and have a darling, easy, peaceful baby sleeping though the night in no time. HA!!! I had a colicky one who didn't sleep longer than an hour and a half at a time for months and I was so sleep-deprived too that I actually had some scary thoughts at one point. That's when I chose to have him sleep on my chest (on his tummy) and he finally began sleeping better. That's when I realized that back sleeping just doesn't work for every baby.
All this to say, that as a new mom there is always something really hard to knock you down a peg or two, even if it's different for you than other moms. You can do this! And I look back (with a 10-year-old firstborn, now) with fondness but also not forgetting the challenges.
How would new moms like you ever have someone to help them out if the rest of us didn't once go through it? Someday you'll be the one giving advice and encouragement!
Oh, Elizabeth -- my heart hurt for you when I read this. I am so sorry that you're having to deal with the pain. It sounds excruciating.
ReplyDeleteI have zero advice, since I've never done this before, but I'll pray for you...
Blessings,
Luci
I struggled with nursing in the beginning with my first as well. Engorgement caused both baby and me to cry.
ReplyDeleteIt does get better. It does get easier. You figure things out and so does she. I keep Landolin in my cabinet shelf. My third, when she was about 10 months old, began biting so hard I'd start bleeding. (Yeah, I weaned her at 1 year.) Vigilance took on a whole new meaning for me when I was nursing to try to catch her before she'd bite.
Hang in there, don't give up, and don't feel bad that you didn't waltz into motherhood a professional nurser. I'm sure few women do.
Hugs, as you know I ended up exclusively pumping for Lisbeth ~ a huge lesson in humility ~ all we can do as moms is our best and pray for the strength and wisdom to do right by these little blessings given to us.
ReplyDeleteGlad to read you are healing, praying it continues to get better and better.
Oh, Elizabeth, I'm so sorry you are having troubles. Adjusting to motherhood is hard enough. It sounds like things are slowly getting better- so just be patient! I'd also maybe look into Le Leche League meetings. You are doing good by asking for advice and receiving encouragement. I'll be praying for you, friend! Please don't hesitate to ask questions!
ReplyDeleteI'm a few steps behind you (trying to get pregnant in the near future) but I have done a lot of reading and research. I understand your feelings totally- the "I've researched- how can you not agree also!" I feel that in so much of my life.
ReplyDeleteHumility is something I need to learn. And patience lol!
Thanks for not deleting this! I needed to hear I'm not alone!
"a combination of pride, optimism, and naivete" If that doesn't describe me to a tee I don't know what does!! I just KNOW I will be able to write these exact same words a month from now, but at the same time I hold out hope that this would NEVER happen to ME!
ReplyDeleteShe's beautiful!!
God loves giving us humility through our children. I'm blogging about that tomorrow, although mine is a twinge, not a doubling-over-in-agony.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. We're all praying fo ryou.
Oh, Elizabeth, I'm so sorry that it's still a rough road with the breastfeeding. Like Sarah said, it usually takes me 4-5 weeks as well to stop hurting. Reading all this reminded me of the first month with our oldest, when my husband walked into the nursery and found me feeding Gabriel in the rocker, literally sobbing as the little guy ate!
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think you are amazing to keep on trying and holding your head up. I'm praying hard that things look up soon and you'll be able to successfully nurse Miriam as your heart so desires.
Oh! I am so sorry you're going through this, and I really sympathize at the same time. The early weeks of breastfeeding, despite everyone saying "it doesn't have to hurt" really DID hurt. And actually, at the moment, I very much feel your pain, because my 19 month old popped off the other day, twice, without letting go, and bruised/cut my nipple with her teeth.. so I'm right back to the toe-curling pain myself! I'd forgotten, after months of finally reaching the wonderful, non-painful, oxytocin-inducing stage, just how rough it actually can be.
ReplyDeleteBut: a couple of suggestions:
1) have you tried drying your nipples after each feed with a blow dryer? I've heard that can really help. Also airing them out whenever possible. Lanolin didn't actually work that well for me - but airing out did.
2) If you're not already going to La Leche League, and you have that option at all (i.e. there is a local chapter), definitely go. At the very least, it is SO helpful just to go and talk to other women, in person, about what is going on. Even if the suggestions you get don't work, it just helps to be heard, and to know other people in exactly the same boat.
3) Know that this stage *will* pass. The oxytocin letdowns didn't happen for me until my daughter was around 8 weeks or so. It will get better, and then it will be SO much easier than formula. But the first several weeks are definitely more work. You're tired, the baby is new at this, you're anxious.... really I would say that the first 6 weeks were incredibly hard, and then after that, things got better, on all fronts (not just the nursing, everything seemed to fall into place a bit better). But I remember my mom saying "the first six weeks are hard" when my daughter was about three weeks old, and I just cried, because I didn't see how I'd ever even make it to six weeks. So I'm here just to say, it does get better. Much, much, better. One day it'll literally feel like you could nurse in your sleep (in fact, if you cosleep, that won't be just a metaphor!)
I'll be praying for you! As others have said, definitely check out LLL if you haven't already. I've made some great friends there, and gotten support for things that I don't think I could have made it through otherwise.
I do remember those first early days (weeks) of pain. I remember my worst feedings (as far as pain goes) were in the middle of the night. You're doing great mama to do so much through the pain!
ReplyDeleteHas the LC suggested a nipple shield to help with latching & pain? I have never tried it, but know someone who used one for her daughter.
I've also heard the soothies gel breast pads help with the pain.
Obviously haven't used it-but I've heard this works better than lanolin for lots of moms:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.amazon.com/Earth-Mama-Angel-Baby-Natural/dp/B000WH31MK/ref=sr_1_1?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1294282621&sr=1-1
Honest blog posts are always great later, though they can be frustrating when you don't get the sort of comment you need in the moment. So I won't say anything else other than that you might also appreciate some of the comments here:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.ourlittleapartment.com/2010/12/letter-i-needed-to-read.html
Oh, one quick thought. I've found that on different days both cold and heat have helped with pain. Medela has some gel pads that helped once and didn't help at all another time. I've also bought some little sticky heat pad things (I think the heat is activated when you peel the sticky back off). I wore them under my bra and they worked wonders. Could you hand express a little extra milk to help with the engorgement?
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) I know many committed, well-researched mothers who have shared this journey of humility with you. And I guess this is why I often wanted to lend a slightly different opinion on some of your posts. You are much like me in your thorough search for information, however, I am always so unwilling to take a stand in any way, I just hang out in the middle, never forming an opinion. Neither approach is right. What is right is just doing your best and praying to be the best you can.
ReplyDeleteI challenge you to go get some formula and use it once or twice. Just to kill the "never let formula pass her lips" idea. Maybe you need to do it just BECAUSE you need to let go of that. You just need to have your baby eat! That's all that matters!
I think you will be fine. I had an incredibly easy time nursing (and I had stockpiled formula, being sure it would never work for me), but I still remember doing an awful lot of crying and worrying about it. The burden of keeping this tiny human alive is very great!
Enjoy....and I will be praying for you!!
I'm glad you wrote this. I am going to write about nursing today too. I actually hate it.
ReplyDeleteYou are way stronger than me.
My first DD did not latch at all and I didn't have ANY colostrum so for the first 4 days she had formula. After that she would not latch. So I pumped for a year. I was a cow with the production! Second DD had formula the first few days again, no colostrum. But she did latch no problem, but when I went back to work, I just found the pumping easier. I was committed to breast feeding. So much so that we didn't even have bottles in the house when we had our first DD. HA! Poor DH had to go figure something out at the store! We got through it, and you will find your own way too. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what others have said about finding an LLL group if you have one nearby. I drove a half hour to get to my group with my firstborn, and I went every month because it was so worth the support. it is not an instant solution for problems, but a very reassuring place to go since the other moms there might be going through something similar or have in the past, and it makes you feel less alone.
ReplyDeleteFor nursing, have you heard of "laid back nursing" or "self-attachment" of the baby? Often times LCs suggest all kinds of different nursing positions, and now they are starting to swing back to other way to a less rigid, instruction-based way. Often times mothers find that laying back in a semi-reclined position with the baby in a somewhat upright position between the breasts works well. the baby can get a deep mouthful of the breast this way because gravity is on her side, and she will naturally bob toward the breasts if she's against your skin and in a calm, ready-to-nurse state. It keeps her close and prevents her slipping down on the nipple, which can contribute to sore nipples! Just thought I'd mention it in case nobody else had to you. I think you can find videos online if you search for "laid-back breastfeeding" or "breast crawl."
And I totally understand your commitment with the "formula is not an option" mentality. I was the same way, and it is what got me through it. My baby was gaining weight fine, so formula was just not an option, period. Having that stance was not stubborn or over-achiever mentality or trying to make myself important - it was about determination and knowing I could do things the way they were naturally intended to go. It is so hard to hear people say, "Oh, just give her formula; you're wearing yourself out, and it's not all about you." Sadly, I have heard this said to new moms, and it is not that they are making it all about them, it is that they are strongly, fully committed and want to do best for their baby, naturally.
That said, breastfeeding rarely comes naturally for any of us! It is because we weren't raised seeing breastfeeding as a daily, normal occurrence, and many of our mothers/aunts/grandmothers didn't breastfeed, so we have little support and prior knowledge. You are not failing - it's just a learned art, one which is harder to learn when we haven't grown up seeing it around us.
And I know it doesn't help when you're in the midst of it, but it really does get better. I realized that once I had my second child and was relieved that I could just enjoy her more. With my first, it was so hard to see that one day she'd be five years old, sleep all night, not nurse, be able to use the toilet - I do hope nursing gets easier for you, and please don't hesitate to reach out for support! You can always contact me if you need somebody to listen and give breastfeeding support!
Don't delete, honesty is so important, especially since everyone is going to have SOMETHING that's hard.
ReplyDelete